If you have to throw up, get
into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an
Oriental rug. Shag is good.
Determine which guest hates
cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They won't dare push you off
and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food
on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing
against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your
own.
Always accompany guests to the
bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and
stare.
For guests who say, "I love
kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a
quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed doors in
any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can
change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand
half in and half out and think about several things. This is
particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito
season.
If one person is busy and the
other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close
under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl
quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting
needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try
to distract you. Ignore it.
For people doing homework, sit
on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time,
push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a
time.
When it becomes time to
dislodge a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner time.
When your owner returns home
laden with packages, fall down in front of them -- this works best on
steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding downward. There is
always the chance you may get stepped on, but this usually guarantees a
fall and it you milk their guilt that follows it is usually worth
it.
Should you run into a closed
sliding glass door or do anything stupid, never let on as much and go
about your business as if "I meant to do that."
If you allow a dog to share
your domain you are in luck. Should you tatter the drapes or destroy
anything for which you fear retribution, wait until your owner (misnomer
if there ever was one) is nearby, slap the dog and run for it. Dogs are
stupid and will accept blame for anything. If this ruse should fail
simply run and hide. No one really expects to catch a cat.
Chase, frolic, and run from
invisible entities. The why doesn't matter, it is just
expected.
Get enough sleep during the
daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4
a.m.
Final Note: ALWAYS walk ON the
keyboard!
